I need you so
by Jess14
Summary: * New chapter* Sometimes, things can't be changed. Is Carter's and Abby's relationship truly over? CARBY+ a little Lusan. PLZ R& R
1. Default Chapter

Author's note : Gosh. Here, this is for u guys. A brand new fic. Not a sequel to anything. Just a Carby fic. Erm. If u're wondering if I just write Carby, I tell u, the answer is pretty much yes. Though I think that um. ever since Carter dumped Susan or she dumped him (I think they just broke up, nobody dumped anybody) . Susan has been pretty lonely. WRITERS!!! She needs a new romance!!!!  
  
And I was just surfing the net. (I don't like this phrase much coz I really don't see why it's surfing when there's no sea. but whateva.) And I finally saw the chat with Maura Tierney that 'Carbygirl05' had mentioned. Gosh, it's interesting ;-)  
  
And those who are looking for 'There's more that meets the eye' I'm sorry but I accidentally deleted that. It's not a bad thing, coz I really don't know how to continue that fic. Anyway, here goes my new story.  
  
Clarification: Abby's pregnant with Carter's child ( Ppo who read 'Don't leave me b-hind' can assume that it's THAT baby, but it doesn't really matter.)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't think I own anyone in ER. Does the baby count?  
  
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1. What's wrong?  
  
Abby's POV  
  
I walked into the lounge, thankful that my shifted had finally ended. There had been a regular flow of patients, as if half of Chicago had decided to do something stupid and try to get their butts into the ER. And it doesn't help that Weaver is being a bitch as usual, barking out orders to us as if we're all her slaves. Another perfectly normal ER day.  
  
Out of habit, I started to brew myself a cup of coffee, before remembering the effect of caffeine on a developing fetus. I groaned in frustration before turning off the machine and bumping my leg into the table.  
  
The door opened and Carter walked in with Susan, his normally tidy hair all messed up by the hectic day. The moment he saw me, the grin that he was wearing wore off.  
  
"Hey." I said softly, acknowledging him. He didn't say anything at me, just stared at me in a way that I didn't understand. The eyes that I once found sincere and honest seemed to have closed up. Is this the Carter I know? The Carter whom I had once loved? I couldn't be sure. I closed my eyes to blink back the tears that were threatening to fall. What went wrong with us Carter? Silent questions rang through my head, as loud as bullet shots.  
  
Susan looked around nervously, shifting her gaze back and forth at us. Oh god, the woman is terribly uncomfortable. Who wouldn't? Still I said nothing. "Um ......" Susan said, breaking the heavy silence. " I guess I should go. I'll see you later. " She started to walk to the door.  
  
"No, I'll go." Carter's voice was cold and distant. He turned his back to me and walked out of the door, banging it shut behind him. A dull aching had started in my heart, I miss him. A lot.  
  
"I'll leave you alone." Susan said, still staring at me. "Call me later if you want to talk, I'm outta here. "  
  
I raised my hand in a vain attempt to wave goodbye to her. Then, I slumped dejectedly onto the couch, trying to recall what it was that tore apart our relationship.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _ __________________________________________________________________ * Flashback*  
  
It was a depressing day in the ER. All the patients that I treated are either still critical or already pronounced dead. Amongst all was a 5 year old girl. She had been brought into the ER only suspecting a fever, but it's funny how life plays all these cruel jokes on you.  
  
"Abby." Without even glancing at the person who was talking,I knew who it was. I continued to watch as my breath made little puffs of white smoke in the cold Chicago night.  
  
"Carter." I greeted him.  
  
"Tough day?"  
  
"What?"  
  
He pointed at the bottle in my hand. God, I had forgotten all about it. It is no use hiding it now, so I will just have to play along. "You're drinking ." He says, trying to mask his anger but didn't quite succeed. Typical of him.  
  
"I 'm not." A simple answer won't do. I know I'm just stalling for time but I don't want to deal with Carter on my case right now. I 'm tired, and I don't need any more TV drama in my life. I've had enough.  
  
"Abby, you're not fooling anyone." He snatched the half drunk bottle out of my hand and throws it into the bin.  
  
"I 'm not trying to."  
  
"Did you go to your AA meetings?"  
  
"Yes." I'm lying through my teeth.  
  
"You're lying." Of course I am.  
  
"Why do you care?"  
  
"Why do I care? Abby, you're my wife, and you're asking me why do I care?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I don't want anything to happen to you or the baby. You're my all, Abby. I don't want to see you hurt. Please quit drinking, please. Do it for my sake."  
  
"It's none of your business." I said coldly. There, I just socked him in the face. He was being so sweet and sensitive, and being a good wife, all I did was to hurt him even more. I had already done enough damage for one day.  
  
He stood there, shocked, opening and closing his mouth, mouthing silent words. Then as if he decided to give up on me, he turned and began to walk back into the hospital, without so much of a farewell. "We'll talk later." He managed to say. I watched as he walked further and further away, slowly disappearing into the harsh lights of the hospital entrance. What's wrong with me?  
  
"I'm sorry Carter." I said softly. There was nothing else to say. He was there when I nearly lost my life, helping me to get through all difficulties, and is about to raise a child together with me, and all I could say was it's 'none of his business'? I'm just surprised that he hadn't walked away from me earlier. I stared at the bare trees, silently praying that everything would be alright.  
  
My life would not be worth living without Carter.  
  
*End flashback * ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------  
  
Promises are never fulfilled. Carter had said we're going to talk about it later, except that we had barely exchanged more than three words from then except from 'hey's or 'bye's. Sometimes, I have a sudden urge to confront to him about my drinking, but then the moment passed and I ignored him again, pretending that everything was okay.  
  
Abby, I told myself, just go and talk to him. You have to sometime later anyway, so why not get over with it? It wasn't as if I don't want to, or not having the courage to do so. I'm afraid of the rejection. The disgusted look that I'm positive Carter would give me. I would rather to shield myself from the truth then hurting myself even more.  
  
I don't even know id we're mad at each other. Maybe. I guess we sort of drifted apart. There wasn't really a fight between us, so we had not ended on bad terms. Ended. Is our relationship truly dead? I don't know. Life's a mess. Once I had thought that everything's going to be okay, but it wasn't, and turns out to be even worse than before.  
  
I walked over to my locker and pulled out my coat, getting ready to go home. The home that Carter and I shared. Not that he'd be there anyway; he is never here for me nowadays. It was as if he had already left me; as if he had thought that there was nothing more he could do to help me.  
  
The crisp January air cooled my mind. A strange calmness took over me. All the questions in my mind seemed to have disappeared. There was only one thing in my head. A sentence is shouting itself over and over again. A phrase that, no matter what happens will still remain the same in my heart.  
  
I love you Carter. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++  
  
That's the first chapter.. or the last chapter, depending on what you guys think. PLZ R & R. That is completely necessary. If it sucked, tell me. If it's great, tell me too. But PLZ DON"T FLAME ME. Or sue me just coz this is a carby. If you want some new romances like you want me to pair Susan up with someone, tell me. ;-) 


	2. Betrayal

Author's note: Oh sorry about the delay. I was so tied up with school work this week. And finally, it's Sunday. A day to relax and have fun. Not that I got much relaxation, but it's better than most of this week =)  
  
And anyone saw Final Destination 2? Is it good? I'm still debating with myself on whether to go and give some money to the cinema or not. should I go?  
  
Whateva, let's stick to Carby. Here's another chapter for everyone. Enjoy. (Gosh, how original is that?)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone in this fic or in ER. And I don't own Final Destination2 either.  
  
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2. Betrayal  
  
Carter's POV  
  
"No I'll go." I surprised myself by sounding so cold. Wasn't I the one who moaned and groaned, always wishing that I could talk things over with Abby? And now, when the perfect chance came, I just blew it away, as if Abby didn't matter anymore.  
  
Well, there's nothing I could do now, so I could only do what I said. I'll go.  
  
"You can't fool yourself Carter; you know you still love her." Susan followed me out.  
  
"I told you to stay with her."  
  
"She doesn't need me."  
  
"What?"  
  
"She only needs you."  
  
I whipped around to face her, wanting to tell her to back off and mind her own business, but when I looked into Susan's face, all I could see was sincerity, honesty, as if she was actually begging me to go to Abby. She really cares Abby, I thought, amused. Oh course, it's only you all along who was insincere, who betrayed Abby. Good to know that at least someone cares.  
  
"Susan." Lydia came over and handed her a chart. "Multiple pile-up, 2 critical, 3 minors, ETA 3 minutes."  
  
Susan took the chart from Lydia and glanced at me. "Just talk to her." She urged.  
  
"Whatever." I muttered. It wasn't as if a talk could straighten everything out. Abby still lied to me about her drinking. If the numerous talks we had before didn't work, what could one more talk do? Nothing much, I suppose. So why should I be the one who take action? Abby was the one who sinned, not me.  
  
"Ah, is that the truth Carter?" My inner voice argued with me. "Don't you remember what you did?"  
  
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*Flashback*  
  
What's wrong with her? Is she drunk again? I thought as I walked up to the hospital, abandoning Abby. I had seen her at times like this, but never ever did she turn down my offer to help like I'm a piece of trash. Like I'm some kind of pest to her. Am I, Abby? Am I now a piece of crap to you?  
  
The sudden brightness of the hospital interior momentarily blinded me. I rubbed my eyes and continued down the hallway to the lounge. I seriously need to lie down. I need to take a break from life. It had been too long a day.  
  
"Carter, you got a patient with minor burns in exam four." Chuny handed me a chart.  
  
I groaned. "Couldn't Chen take it?"  
  
"She's not on yet."  
  
"Susan?" "Went home."  
  
"Well, I'm not on either. My shift doesn't start until seven, and it's only five. And I really need to lie down."  
  
"Count yourself as unlucky." She said, pushing the chart into my arms.  
  
"What? Wait." but she was already gone. I sighed all the way to exam four. I pushed open the door and begun my oh-so-boring doctor talk.  
  
"I'm Doctor Carter, and I'm here to treat your." My sentence was cut off when I saw who it was before me.  
  
"Hey John."  
  
It was Kristy, my former girlfriend. One that had escaped from being discovered by the ER, or should I say, from Susan? Kristy's the second woman I had loved most in my life. But my love to her wasn't even close to the love me and Abby shared. Abby was the woman who rocked my world. Abby, Abby, Abby. But is the chemistry between us over for now? I don't know. I wish I do.  
  
"So, what did you do to yourself?" I cleared my throat and began to clean her wounds.  
  
She smiled at me, showing her dimples. God, she's beautiful. Her brown hair gleamed under the lights, her smile so warm and welcoming. Focus Carter, its Abby that you love. I told myself. But it is hard to control yourself when your wife just shot you down and all of a sudden, your former love appears next to you.  
  
"What's wrong John? Somebody hurt you, huh?"  
  
"What?" I nearly jumped out of my seat.  
  
"Guess I'm right then."  
  
"What's there to be right?" That's right Carter, play dumb.  
  
"You're not fooling anyone."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well, it's just that you're wearing your little worried look. You know the look you always have on your face when things don't go your way." She pressed her face closer and closer to mine, until it got so close that I could smell her mint breath. But still, I didn't move, didn't even try to back away from her.  
  
"Who is it John?" She said, running her fingers up and down my shirt. "Who's this woman?" Before I could say anything, she pressed her lips against mine. They were so soft and warm, so different from Abby's hard and coldness.  
  
Abby. Oh god. What am I doing?  
  
"No, I can't do this." I pushed Kristy away.  
  
She just smiled slyly. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes, Kris. I couldn't do this to Abby."  
  
"Ah, Abby."  
  
I remained silent. There is not need of explaining to her. The truth is already told. Abby betrayed me. She lied to me. I don't even know if she loves me anymore, and most certainly, the feelings I have for her doesn't matter now.  
  
"You know you want to do this John. You want to but you can't. You're hurt right? Why don't you just forget about the hurt and hatred you received from her tonight and have fun now?" She began to unbutton my shirt. This time, I didn't stop her. Before I knew what we're doing, we're lying on the gurney, doing things that we shouldn't be doing.  
  
I shouldn't do this. This is not right. Stop Carter. What are you doing? But this feels so right, so good, that all I wanted to do was to melt into the present situation, to not care about anything else, to throw my troubles far, far behind me, never picking it up again. And so, I played along with Kristy, each of us knowing that what we're doing is wrong, but none of us trying to stop it. After all, it's only for one night.  
  
*End of flashback *  
  
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Right now, I'm burning in hell. What I had done was so wrong, so much worse than what anyone have ever done to me. That's right, at the present, I feel as if Paul Soborski is more of a gentlemen than I am. Why shouldn't he be? It wasn't like he had cheated on his wife.  
  
"I'm sorry." I muttered, wishing that Abby could hear this somehow. "I never meant it to be this way. I'm sorry."  
  
I have to talk to her. I decided. I just have to. I pulled out my phone and turned it on. I was just about to punch her number when the phone rang.  
  
"Damn.' I said into the phone.  
  
"Uh. hello? Am I calling at a bad time?" It was a woman's voice. A woman who had been crying.  
  
There's never a good time, I thought. "No." I answered automatically.  
  
"Thank god. John, I really need someone to talk to. Something terrible. something had happened. Meet me at my apartment in an hour okay? Please tell me you'll talk to me. I don't know what I could do if you don't come."  
  
"Fine, I'll be there. Wait for me." I hung up the phone. She had sounded so helpless and so depressed that I'm driving myself crazy, worrying about her. I got to go to her. It's the least that I could do.  
  
I jumped into the car and started the engine, heading towards west Chicago. I ignored the increasing feeling of guilt in my heart. She's just a friend, I reasoned with myself. Just a friend.  
  
The caller was Kristy.  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++ Thank you for these people who reviewed.  
  
CARBYfan ( I don't even know myself. Hmm. maybe 3 months or so? What do you think? Thanks for reviewing!!!  
  
Rizzo -( Well, there gotta be some obstacles in their way or else this is gonna be way too boring right? But then, you bet this is gonna be happy at the end. I couldn't bring myself to write sad endings as much as I like to read sad fics =) Thanks.  
  
SpookyAnne ( Sorry about the delay. It's hectic here. Thanks.  
  
Becky -( Hey Becky, I finally got this updated. hmm. how bout u? * Hint hint * Alright, alright. I'll wait patiently for your update. * Grumbles * hehe. So better get the next chapter up soon, coz I REALLY want to read more! Thank you for reviewing.  
  
Maggiemay -( Very nice of you to refer as my writing as crap. What a compliment. *Faints becoz of happiness *  
  
*Whispers this to everyone except maggiemay * What's wrong with her? Anyway, look out for the next chapter!!  
  
*~JeSs~* 


	3. Forgive me

A/N: Sorry about the delay in updating this story. I'm sure u guys would understand coz I KNOW u are in the same situation as I am. Why do they have to prepare us for the SATs a year before it actually happens? And not to mention that the SAT test is sorta stupid. Anyway, I'm tied up with school work right now, so it may be a while before I update again!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone.  
  
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3. Forgive me  
  
Abby's POV  
  
The platform was bare, deserted at midnight. There were no people to speak of. After all, it's not like many people will go out or return home this late. I leaned against a pole and waited for the El to come.  
  
"Abby." A low and husky voice called out to me. For a moment I thought it was Carter. But it couldn't be; he's already gone. Besides, it wasn't even a man's voice, it was just my subconscious mind playing tricks on me.  
  
"I thought you're in for the graveyard shift." I told Susan, who was coming up the stairs.  
  
"Switched shifts with Luka. I'll be on at seven. I really need some sleep." She yawned, not bothering to cover her mouth.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Did you guys talk?" Susan asked, skillfully keeping an eye on me, watching how I would respond. Suddenly, I feel like one of the patients, ready to get examined.  
  
"Who?" That's right, play dumb.  
  
"Abby." Susan climbed the final step and looked at me squarely in the eye.  
  
I sighed and looked away. I'm not going to get away with this. After all, it's Susan. She's not going to leave this topic alone, not without my answer. "No."  
  
Susan looked uncomfortable, as if she was deciding on whether to pursue on the topic or not. I might as well save her from the trouble.  
  
"Look Susan, I don't want to talk about it." I groaned when I heard my stomach growling.  
  
She looked at me quizzically and cocked an eyebrow. I ignored her and wished for the El to come. Stupid railway.  
  
"Look, Abby."  
  
I cut her off. "Susan, I really don't want to talk right now."  
  
She furrowed her brows, as if something was troubling her. I knew she had something to tell me, but I have a feeling that it's not something I'd want to know.  
  
"Abby, listen." I turned my head to look at her and found her green eyes looking at me, so intense that it literally burned a hole through me.  
  
"There's something that I need to tell you, something that I've been keeping it as a secret for a couple of weeks now. I know you're not going to like this, but I've got to tell you. There's no other way." She shrugged her shoulders helplessly.  
  
I turned my head away, craving for a cigarette. Better yet, why don't you give me a drink? I wasn't sure if I'd want to hear what Susan have to say.  
  
"Does it have something to do with John?"  
  
She hesitated, as if she didn't know who was John. Finally, she answered. "Yes."  
  
I let out my breath shakily. "Tell me." I said quietly into the air.  
  
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Carter's POV  
  
I walked up the stairs leading to Kristy's apartment. What is it that she wanted to talk about? What was wrong with her? I knocked on the door and stepped back, waiting for her to answer the door.  
  
"John?" a meek voice behind the door asked. "Is that you?"  
  
"Yes, Kristy, let me in."  
  
The door flung open and Kristy rushed into my arm. She pushed her lips against mine and kissed me passionately. I pushed her away.  
  
"What is it?" I wanted to get over with it. I have to talk to Abby tonight. There's no time for me to linger here.  
  
Kristy stumbled to keep her balance. "What is what Johnny? We're in no hurry." She slurred, gradually advancing on me, like a predator hunting for its prey. I've got no time for games. She's drunk, I noticed. Her blue eyes, normally bright, were bloodshot.  
  
"Kristy." I warned, as she got closer and closer to me. "Don't."  
  
"Are you scared of me?" She teased, swaying dangerously. "Have you forgotten about the passion we shared that night? Don't you want to give it another try?" She struck out her arm for me to take it. I pushed her away.  
  
"I'm going." I announced, stepping back into the corridor. "Call me when you're ready to talk." I began to close the door behind me, when Kristy collapsed onto the floor, tears flowing down her cheeks, "I'm pregnant John, with your child." She whispered.  
  
I froze, not able to believe what I just heard. Then, being the perfect gentlemen that I am, I slammed the door and ran, running away from the truth. When did my life get so complicated? I needed someone to talk to, I thought as I slid into the car. I looked over to the empty seat at my right. Abby.  
  
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Abby's POV  
  
I stared at the blank screen of the television, my feet hugged to my chest. How could he do this to me? I found myself asking. I thought he loved me. Then, I wasn't being the best wife in the whole universe either, but how could he cheat on me? I couldn't believe I had to find this out through Susan.  
  
What if Susan hadn't been there when Carter did it? What if she hadn't overheard the disgusting sounds that I couldn't believe they made? Will Carter tell me? Will Carter ever confess to me? For the first time in my life, tears flowed down my cheeks, never ending. I lowered my head between my knees and sobbed. I remembered the chaos theory that Carter and I once shared. My life, no, our lives are truly in chaos now.  
  
The door creaked. Someone had entered the room. I barely looked up. There's only one other person who held the key's to my apartment. Carter.  
  
"God, Abby." He took notice of my tear stained face and rushed over to me to pull me into a hug. I peered at him through my tears. His face was drawn in, little lines suddenly appeared on his face, making him look older than he is. Something was bugging him, and I had a feeling that this was more than what I had thought. There's something more that he's hiding. Something else had happened since that night. My tears had stopped and an infinite silence seemed to have fallen over us. The air turned chilly despite the intense heat radiating from the heater.  
  
Carter looked up at me, his eyes trying to search through me. Those eyes that had seemed to talk to me before now seemed to be a bottomless pit. It no longer held it's magic. The bond between us is broken. Maybe this is good. Maybe Carter and I were never meant for each other.  
  
"I'm sorry Abby." He said softly, kissing me lightly on my neck. I winced at the feeling of his lips against my skin. It was too much to think that this same pair of lips had been on another woman's body sometime ago. I pushed him away. I could barely look at him, let alone let him touch me.  
  
"No." I said, my brain preoccupied with the thoughts of Carter betraying me. Is there something wrong with me? Why does it seem that all my marriages fall apart? There's no way I'm going to get over this. No way that I'm going to forgive him.  
  
He stood up too, as if sensing what I'm thinking. "You know." He said, looking down.  
  
"Damn right I know." I said coldly. I had to do it this way, I had to be cold and hostile, or else, those tears will come again, and I will breakdown. Now, although my heart is dying inside, at least the tears won't come. Why? I asked him silently. Why did you do this to me?  
  
"He walked over and tried to hold me, but I wouldn't let him. "It's not like a hug could erase what you did, Carter." It came out a little harsher that I meant it to be.  
  
He was still holding my wrists, afraid that I'd be gone if he let go of my hands. He sank down onto his knees and buried her face into my waist, inhaling the scent of my clothes and sobbing uncontrollably. I forced myself to look forward, to not look at him.  
  
"I'm so sorry for everything, forgive me Abby." He looked up hopefully, willing me to look at him. But I can't, it hurt too much. When did everything become so wrong? There's no turning back now.  
  
"You did too much, John."  
  
"What about the baby?"  
  
"It'll be okay."  
  
"Forgive me, Abby. For the baby's sake."  
  
I had completely forgotten about the little life inside me. God, I'm a terrible mother. Am I going to kill my own child once more? Either way, it couldn't help the situation now.  
  
"No, John. This isn't about the baby, this is about us. About the fact that our relationship is over for good." No! I screamed to myself. Don't let him go! But I remained silent. There's nothing more that needed to be said.  
  
He stood up, gazing into me for one last time. As much as I'd hate to admit it, I could still feel the bond. still feel his gaze reaching into my soul. I broke the gaze and held open the door for him to leave. "I want you to leave." I told him.  
  
"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked, his expression pained.  
  
"Go." I said quietly, unable to make myself look at him.  
  
He walked out of the apartment slowly, not taking his eyes off me. "Abby, look at me." His voice was of such force that my eyes couldn't help but travel to his body. I stood at the door, transfixed. "I love you, Abby." He whispered. The words echoed through the hallway, mocking me. I slammed the door shut, blocking out the rest of the world. Abandoning the only man that I had truly ever loved.  
  
"I love you too, Carter." I murmured and sank to the floor. Maybe this will work out someday. Maybe there's still hope for us. I closed my eyes and let the tears flow, allowing the earth to swallow me up. There's still hope..  
  
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Phew. That's it. The 3rd chapter. Hope you guys liked it. R AND R PLZPLZ!!!!  
  
Thanks for those who reviewed.  
  
Becky ------ Why????? Why why why won't you be adding any new chapters?? I thought u said there was more? Hehe. Sorry for that outbreak. that's just the same ol' typical MOI!! Thanks for reviewing.  
  
CARBYfan --- Hehe. Thanks. even I myself don't know if it is the baby before. I think this is a totally new story though....... I think the baby don't have enough of a part in this fic. Hmm. maybe I gotta make the baby more important. What do u think? Thanks for reviewing.  
  
Okay, it's the second time that this had happened. I've noticed that the second chapter of the fics usually have less reviews than the fist. WAY LESS. If This happens again, then it's the third time. Aha. What a charm.  
  
Peace out, *~JeSS~* 


	4. Love,Hope, and Faith

A/N: Omigod. I've gone completely nuts about CARBY!! They totally rock my world! I was so scared that they night break up before 'the advocate' was shown on nbc and then yay! Turns out they're not breaking up after all =) Uh. pardon me for sounding like a maniac, though I probably am a maniac. Don't underestimate the power of CARBY!!! lol.  
  
This is written in third person coz the story's getting complicated. so I'm very sorry if there is any inconvenience caused.  
  
And also, I included a little of Lusan in this story. actually, I find lusan quite an interesting idea! Coz u know, in my mind, Abby, Carter, Susan, and Luka are the four main characters of the show. and now that carter & Abby are together, then Luka and Susan should be too!  
  
Ah yes, before I forget, I included Brian in this chapter. You know, Brian, the guy who beat Abby up? He was long forgotten and I decided to bring him back =) Anyway, enough of this crap, let's get to the story!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone in ER. And I don't own the song 'air supply' by goodbye either. which is really old, by the way.  
  
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4. Love, hope and faith  
  
Carter  
  
The door closed, shutting him out of her life. He had never felt this horrible his whole life. He knew it was all entirely his fault, and he shouldn't blame anyone but himself, but he found himself mad at Abby. He was angry that she hadn't given him the chance to explain, furious that she had given up on them so easily. But most of all, he was annoyed at himself. He was fuming at himself for doing such a stupid thing, hooking up with a woman that he didn't even like, let alone love. Abby had loved him and trusted him with all her heart, but he had let her down. It had taken a long time for the intimacy to build up between them, but he, John Truman Carter the third, had made the lethal blow and wrecked their relationship by an impulsive and thoughtless act.  
  
I can see the pain living in your eyes  
  
And I know how hard you try  
  
You deserve to have so much more  
  
I can feel your heart and I sympathize  
  
And I'll never criticize all you've ever meant to my life  
  
He shoved his hand into his pocket and felt something cold and hard cut across his skin. The keys. He had completely forgotten that he still held the keys to Abby's apartment. He rushed up the stairs, his arms outstretched, ready to put the key in the lock, to open the door to life. But he couldn't do it. He simply couldn't bear to look at Abby's hurt expression and her sad questioning eyes again. He had wounded her, and had scarred her permanently He just can't face her. He loved her too much.  
  
I don't want to let you down; I don't want to lead you on  
  
I don't want to hold you back, from where you might belong  
  
You never asked me why, my heart is so disguised  
  
I can't live a lie anymore. I would rather hurt myself,  
  
Than ever make you cry.  
  
There's nothing left to say but goodbye.  
  
The doormat was lifted up, and the keys were dropped onto the floor, gleaming from the overhead lights before disappearing beneath the doormat. Carter inhaled deeply, taking in the sweet aroma of her apartment, of her herself, a sweet and wonderful smell. He looked up and stared at the door for a moment, picturing Abby's face. her smile that he may never see again.  
  
"I'm sorry Abby, I really am."  
  
The words disappeared into the night together with his footsteps. Then, the night settled and somehow erased all the traces of what might have happened before.  
  
You deserve the chance at the kind of love  
  
I'm not sure I'm worthy of  
  
Losing you is painful to me  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Susan  
  
"Hey, Susan!" someone called her from behind, a voice with a somewhat desperate edge. She whipped around to face whoever called her, nearly knocking over a tray of urine samples. "Whoa." She gazed forward and saw Luka signaling to her.  
  
"What?" she called to him.  
  
"Get over here." Susan pushed through the sea of people that seemed to be flooding the halls. What is it that Luka wanted to talk about? It wasn't as if they had a lot in common.  
  
"What is it?" She asked when she finally got by his side, slightly out of breath.  
  
Luka cleared his throat, visibly uncomfortable. She waited for him to talk. Patience was a thing that she had achieved long ago. It was the art that a good doctor should process.  
  
"Uh." he paused, not knowing how to continue. "Um." He tried again. "Have. have you seen Abby around?" Ah, Abby. Susan should have guessed it before Luka even opened his mouth. Abby somehow got all the men of the ER trapped under her fingers. One day, Susan is going to ask Abby how she does it.  
  
"No. Haven't seen her today." Susan had noticed that Carter was missing also, but she wouldn't tell that to Luka. She got a vague idea of where those two are and what they're doing, although she would prefer not to think about it. If she even so much as think about it, her guilty conscience will prevent her from working the for whole day.  
  
"Oh." Luka stepped back and cleared his throat again. He was never much of a talker, Susan observed. He had skillfully shut himself into his own world. A world that is mysterious to the majority of us.  
  
"So I guess I'll go." She offered.  
  
"Right. OK."  
  
Susan started to walk towards the desk, eyeing the crowd in front of her with annoyance. What are all these people doing in the ER?  
  
"Susan!" Luka called out to her. She turned around to face him, not quite hiding her irritation.  
  
"Yeah?" There was just a hint of impatience in her voice.  
  
"I was just wondering.you know. maybe you and I should grab some coffee sometime?" Luka looked at her, his eyes portraying deep emotions that he felt inside.  
  
Susan smiled at him. Was he asking her out? Rebound guys weren't usually her type but she couldn't deny that there's something special about this man. There was some secret deep inside him that she long to know. He was full of passion, so clear and completely honest and trustworthy. So unlike the other men out there.  
  
"Sure." She found herself saying. "Anytime." Maybe this can help her get mind off her other two friends. She's completely sick of their complicated relationship. She needed to take a break from it all.  
  
"When are you off?"  
  
"What?" she asked, not quite paying attention to him.  
  
"You know, coffee?"  
  
"Oh yes." She closed her eyes. "My shift ends at seven though I'm completely washed out now. I think I'll end my shift early today. You?"  
  
"I'm off now."  
  
Susan smiled. "Good.so then I guess we can go now."  
  
Luka smiled too, a rare facial expression of his. "Yeah."  
  
Maybe this may turn out to be more than a cup of coffee, she found herself hoping. Well, you just never know what might happen. As they always say, dream big.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Brian  
  
He observed the Chicago skyline with certain aversion in his eyes. He didn't know why he had come back. He had just felt that there was something that he had left undone. Something that he knew he could figure out in Chicago and in no place else. He had already lost all faith in finding Joyce, knowing that even if he found her, she'd probably run away from him, or be separated from him. He would rather not go through all the pain again. Had he came to Chicago hoping that he would bump into her on the streets? He didn't know for sure.  
  
He got of the El and walked aimlessly around the city, not noticing where exactly was he going. There was no point to know. Chicago was no different from anywhere else. there were just houses, schools, stores, and all the cars and buses and people rushing by. What's so special about it that worth him looking at?  
  
Suddenly, his footsteps ceased and he found himself facing his (Their) old apartment building. The place where everything had gone wrong. The place that he had grown to despise.  
  
Something inside him clicked and all of a sudden, he knew what he was doing in Chicago. There was on thing that he started to do but had never finished. Now, he was here again, ready to complete his job. He was here to get back his life, to do something that he should have done long ago. He wanted to kill that bitch that wrecked his life. His life would be perfect if not for her nosiness. God, he hated her to his guts.  
  
Memories cam rushing back to him and he only saw red. Everywhere was anger. He growled angrily. It was a low, menacing and inhuman call from somewhere deep inside him. She destroyed his life and now, it was time for him to destroy hers. It was only fair.  
  
Her door stood in front of him, the only barrier to keep him away from her. But Brian didn't care, he could easily breakdown that door. He was the strong one here. It was time for her to know who is the boss.  
  
A glimpse of silver caught his eye. His hateful gaze shifted from the door to the floor. A single key poked out from underneath the doormat. He silently congratulated himself for finding it. Actually, he was more like congratulating the moron that left the key lying there. If he had any doubt about killing Abby before, then by now, all the doubts were gone. It was as if all the forces of the world were on his side, as if he was destined to kill her. It was destiny.  
  
Silently, he slipped the key in its place, hesitating for a brief moment before turning the lock. The door opened to reveal a confined room, a perfect place for a murder. Now for the victim.  
  
There she was, collapsed on the floor, her newly colored blonde locks framing her face. Her cheeks were still wet with invisible tears that nobody was supposed to see and her chest was rising and falling with every breath she took. Seeing her lying there, a defenseless yet unbelievably beautiful woman before his eyes almost made him turn away from her, almost made him feel guilty. Almost.  
  
Soon, that chest of hers will be still and he'll get his life back. He walked into the kitchen and pulled out a long, sharp knife from the counter. Dangerous knifes, he marveled, running a finger down the side of the blade. A thin trickle of blood flowed down his finger.  
  
It's time for his sweet revenge.  
  
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Okay, I need to apologize for the long time I took to update this story. And also, I need to apologize for such a short chapter.  
  
Thank you for all that reviewed (which isn't many, by the way). but I would really really appreciate if you could just leave a review. Your review means a whole lot to me (Do I sound like those government candidates "Please vote for me. You vote means a lot to me and to the united states of America. blah blah) REALLY!! PLz PLZ PLZ Review, I don't care if it's an anonymous review or a signed one. just REVIEW!!!  
  
Special thanks must be given to these people who had ALWAYS reviewed my story (s)  
  
SpookyAnne --- You ROCK!! Omigod seriously. You totally rock my world. I can't believe you stuck with my stories all the way through! Thank you SO much girl, and I hope that u enjoyed the fluff?? =)  
  
CARBYfan--- Haha. I kinda left the baby out this chapter! Well hope you liked it! Thx for sticking by my side!! And just to be fair, you rock too. really, I need some new vocabulary.  
  
And Becky.though I dunno where she is but nvm. She rock too!  
  
Also Thank you to Mealz --- for actually replying my emails and stuff. I had a great time talking to u! =) Thank you for reviewing.  
  
And to carby luva 313 --- Thx for replying my emails also!! I had a great time talking to u too! When will ur story be updated? Hehe. Thank you SOOO much.  
  
As always, REVIEW and feel free to email me when ever you like. I think I'll most probably reply u. =)  
  
Peace out,  
  
~*jESS*~ 


	5. Surreal

A/N: Here's the next chapter for you guys. sorry if there's not enough carby. The next chapter will be Carby, I promise. And as usual, please R and R. I just love your reviews.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone from ER.  
  
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Luka  
  
He had never actually allowed himself to admit this, but he knew it was true. He was somewhat afraid of women. Throughout his life, it was women who made him felt hopelessly in love and then just leave him behind and break his heart. Some days, he almost felt as if he was just a spectator, watching himself as woman dominate his heart, repelled from his own life. Watching over he himself but not feeling anything. He was afraid to fall in love again, to have someone whom you love leave you. First Danjela, then Abby.. to him, it was a little too much. It was time to get a grip and start all over again. This time, no woman is going to barge into his life.  
  
Then what was she doing here? He watched as she laughed; her blonde hair casting gently over her shoulders, a warm glow against the white cold snow, looking absolutely golden in under the light of the rising sun. Her eyes seemingly glowing a hallucinating shade of green, sparkling with light and merriness. And her smile. there was nothing quite like it. It felt good. amazing to be able to look at her and actually feel her joy. She was a wonderful break from Abby.  
  
God, he sounded like a schoolboy with a hopeless crush. Pathetic. Had he fallen in love with her? She's perfect, amazing, funny, cute, caring, HAPPY. everything that he wants. Is it really that bad to at least feel something about such a woman?  
  
He almost laughed out loud. Just a few minutes ago, he was still grieving about his lost. He had still missed Abby. Now, he was falling for another woman? It has to make more sense than that. And yet. he definitely felt something when he looked at her. He felt secure, serene, as if she would never let him down. His depression gave away to peacefulness, and suddenly, he found himself enjoying his life again. Magical. There was no exaggeration needed.  
  
"Want to go for a walk?" Suddenly, coffee didn't seem appropriate.  
  
"Whatever Luka, it's your choice."  
  
"Let's go for a walk."  
  
"OK." She said as she rubbed her hands together. He noticed that she had no gloves on.  
  
"Give me your hand." It just blurted out. And even he himself was impressed by his courage to ask for her hand.  
  
"What?" She's mystified, even surprised.  
  
"Just give me your hand."  
  
She held out her had skeptically, not knowing what he wanted to do. He entwined his fingers with hers, his palm pressing onto hers.  
  
She laughed. "What do you think you're doing?"  
  
"Keeping you warm."  
  
"You're crazy."  
  
"I know." It was as if he had gone crazy. He was never like this before. He was always on the passive side of a relationship, waiting for another person to take action. What was happening to him?  
  
"Fine fine. If you insist, then take my hand." She smiled at him. "What about my other one?"  
  
He grabbed her other hand and pulled it towards himself, forming a circle. They were closer than they had ever been before.  
  
It wasn't until then that he noticed how amazingly beautiful she was. Her beauty wasn't the kind that you notice immediately; it was a genuine kind of beauty.. a face that wasn't plastered under layers and layers of make- up. It was true and real. Even so, her attractiveness lies beyond her face. It comes from her heart.  
  
"Where are your gloves?" he asked, desperate for a topic.  
  
"Some nut from the ER stole it.. or well, I lost it."  
  
"Ah." He didn't know what to say. He wasn't much of a talker.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
He was surprised by her question. "Yeah." Why wouldn't he be?  
  
"You just seem.. preoccupied."  
  
He smiled. It was sweet of her to notice. "I'm okay."  
  
"OK." They sat down on a bench facing the river. He watched as the sun rose higher and higher into the sky. He used to hate the mornings, the start of a new day, knowing that he should be dead like his wife and kids, knowing that they had deserved to live more than he did. But today, he was just more than glad to be alive.  
  
He looked over to her, trying to catch her eye. But instead, he found her eyes gazing to somewhere in the distance. He followed her gaze to the opposite bank of the river and there he was, the man of all dreams. Carter.  
  
What was he doing here? He was supposed to be with Abby. Anger boiled inside him. He loathed this man. Somehow, he stole Abby from him, claiming that he was in love with her; and now, when Luka had finally gotten over Abby, here he was, once again trying to steal his love.. if Susan was even considered as his love.  
  
"Oh god." She murmured, still staring at Carter. Look at me, Luka silently pleaded. But she didn't.  
  
She broke away from him, her hands parting from his. Suddenly, it was unbearably cold. The wind blew through the little gap between them, a hurling, cruel movement of air. He felt an incredible sense of defeat, as though carter had punched all the air out of his body. He no longer felt angry. In fact, he felt sad... More like self pity. In his life, there was no success. He was only defeated once and again.. why bother to fight?  
  
She looked at him, her emerald eyes burning intensely through his body. "I'm sorry." She whispered; her voice breaking. It hurt him too much to see her like this.  
  
"I got to go." That was him, running away from everything. It wouldn't make a difference anyway, Carter always win. He turned and walked away from her, trying hard not to look back. He had to turn away before it was too late.  
  
She never said anything to call him back to her. Of course, he was nothing compared to Carter the wonder boy. Carter was the man of all dreams. He was just crap in the eyes of Susan. An overwhelming sense of loneliness washed over him and his knees nearly gave out beneath him, but he held his head high and kept walking. He couldn't give up so easily, after all, he is supposed to be strong. He just couldn't understand one thing.  
  
Why is life so cruel? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------  
  
Abby  
  
Her sleep seemed to be filled with nightmares. One moment, Carter was mentioning a divorce and the other moment, Eric was found dead. These were thing that she feared most, things that she dreaded would happen to her one day. She used to confront her fears to Carter, to relish her fears, but that was in the past. Now there was only she, her and herself.  
  
Her head ached and her lips felt dry and parched against her tongue. Had she taken a drink before she dropped off to this dreadful slumber? She couldn't remember clearly what had happened before she passed out on the floor, and whatever it is, she didn't want to know. Her eyes remained stubbornly closed. She wanted to stay in this perfect state of denial. It was the only time when no one could hurt her.  
  
"Abby. Abby." A voice seemed to be calling her from far away. Her blood rushed to her head, blurring the words, her head roared and the blood pounded in her ears. Still she didn't open her eyes.  
  
"Abigail Lockhart." It was more of a command than a call. There was certain coldness behind the words, as if the person would rather die than say her name. Nonetheless, she found her eyes opening a little, her curiosity betraying her brain's orders. A sheet of bright sunlight greeted her eyes and she could just make out a figure before the glare made her close her eyes again. Had she not closed the curtains? She pushed herself up from the hard, cold wooden floor and opened her eyes slowly, fully awake by now.  
  
Finally, she was able to understand the harsh light. It was from the glare of a knife held by a person that she thought was out of her life forever. Brian.  
  
"Hello Abby. And we meet again." He figured the knife, toying with it in his hands. This seemed too surreal to be happening in real life. to bizarre to be happening to her. Why, the words that he said seemed to come out of an old English horror movie too.  
  
"Brian." She spat, her disgusted voice not quite hiding her fear. Again, her emotions were betrayed by her voice. Besides, she had every reason to be scared. What was he doing here? Hadn't he left? She had thought he was scared of Luka. Apparently, what Luka did was not enough. She forced herself to drag in some air. Her lungs feel like they're going to explode any moment now. "Brian." She repeated; her voice still fearful. She winced by the sound of her voice.  
  
"Abby." He repeated, grinning wildly, his sly and cunning expression fitted in perfectly next to the knife clutched tightly in his hand. Just looking at the knife already sent shivers down her back. He pressed his body onto hers, never giving a moment for her to get away. His breathing become short and ragged, and Abby became acutely aware that his fingers are traveling all over her body. Touching places that he weren't supposed to touch.  
  
"Brian!" She screamed, trying her best to push him away from her, but she was weak and he was strong. He was all over her. Her headache intensified and she had to control herself from crying out loud.  
  
"Abby. Abby. Abby." he chanted, ripping the clothes off her body. "It's payback time." He stopped moving and glared into her eyes. "It's payback time, and I'll make you suffer." With that, he laughed wickedly and continued whatever he planned to do.  
  
She was getting frantic by now. For a moment, she just sank back and was ready to give up. There was no reason to fight him. Life has given up on her already. Even without Brian, her life would be in ruins. She just hoped that John was here, so that she could tell him that she's sorry. She wished that the argument had never happened, that she's still the happy-go- lucky Abby.  
  
A wave of nausea hit her like a ton of bricks. Had he done it already? No. he's still trying to undo her clothes. Abby knew by now that it was her morning sickness. The baby. Even if god felt that she was should be deprived of life, she didn't think it was fair for the baby to be ripped out of this world. Maggie had never been a good mother and Abby had once vowed to be never like her. She must save her child.  
  
With all the strength that she could muster, she brought up her knee and jutted him at the groin. He fell back in pain and surprise. For a split moment, he let go of her. It was all she needed. She scrambled up to her legs and ran to her room. Her head spun and she still felt nauseous, but at least, she's safe.. for now. She closed the door and locked it, bolting it tightly. Then she dragged her bedside table to the door. For a moment, she was transfixed at her reflection in the mirror. Her hair matted together in a mess, her eyes shining with terror and her cheeks flushed. God she looked terrible. But there was no time for looks. She must get away from this torture hell. Brian was pounding on the door already.  
  
She opened the window and surveyed the surroundings. If she jumped out from there, she could still make it, but she had to be careful. At the last moment, she grabbed her coat and carefully stepped out of the window, then, she jumped. At the same moment, Brian broke through the door. To Abby, this was all too movie- like.  
  
She landed on the ground, and for a moment, the force of her hitting the ground nearly made her pass out. Then, the stars began to clear and she stood onto her feet gingerly. There seemed to be nothing wrong. By all means, she was too lucky. It was already in the morning and people passing by were giving her curious stares.  
  
"You okay miss?" A cab driver stopped in front of her and stuck his head out of the window.  
  
"I'm fine. I'm fine." She assured him as she put on her coat. Another wave of nausea hit her and suddenly she felt dizzy. She held onto the wall for support. Damn morning sickness.  
  
"You sure?" The cab driver didn't seem too concerned, none the less, he need to be assured that she was okay.  
  
"I'm okay." The driver looked skeptical. "I'm fine, really."  
  
The driver took one last look at her and then turned away. "If you insist." He said, stepping on the gas pedal.  
  
Abby watched as the cab drove away and she looked around her. There was no Brian. She breathed a sigh of relief and started to walk back to her apartment. She sat on the stairs and took out a cigarette from her pocket. It had been along time since she smoked. She lit the cigarette and took a long drag. Then she took out her phone and dialed the first number that came to her mind.  
  
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That's it. I'm sorry for the short and crappy chapter but I had had a terrible, terrible writer's block. It's still here and I can't write anything decent. Argh. it's driving me crazy. And there's a little lusan here in this chapter also. Sorry for the unbelievable lame ending but I couldn't think of anything coz my body is too stuffed up with antibiotics to care. I'm having a fever and I'm not quite well.. *passes out*. Oops, sorry, anyway, I'll post a better chapter once this fogginess and this headache goes away.  
  
Thanks for all those people who reviewed.. I luv you guys so much. Trust me, your review works a lot better than these stupid antibiotics. THANKS!!!  
  
Dreaming --- Thanks! Omg.. someone is actually impressed. Although I'm ever so sorry for letting u down this chapter. I'm a little drowsy.. and dizzy. Anyway, thanks for reviewing.  
  
Mealz--- Hey girl! Did you send me any letters? I'm sorry if u did coz I never had the chance to check my mailbox. I actually missed an 'event' with my friends beause I didn't check my mail.. Okay. I won't bore u with the details. Anyway, I'll check my mail later. Ahhhh!!!!! Don't worry about the exclamation marks!!!! I love them too!!!! And the dots.. --- see this?? And question marks.. dots again..Thanks for reviewing!!!  
  
Grand total : Exclamation marks:17 question marks:3 dots(forgot what they're called) 12  
  
Liliana --- Here's the next chapter after erm. *checks her calendar* two weeks. Sorry about the delay and thanks for reviewing!  
  
Becky --- Oh ahhhh.. * runs over and hugs her* I'm so happy you're here. Hehe. I'm gonna be serious now. But I'm really glad you're here. Really. I'm sorry for this crappy chapter but then I doing drugs.. Haha j/k. well, sort of. So I'm too drugged up to write anything. Anyway, Thanks for reviewing.  
  
KristieJCAL --- Ohh JCAL. John Carter + Abby Lockhart. How sweet. And don't worry about not reviewing before, it doesn't matter coz you reviewed now! Just for ur interest I like Carby, Lusan, and Suby (friendship- wise) So yeah. They all rock. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
CARBYfan --- hey! Umm excuse me, no way was that review stupid. I'll say something about that other woman (Kristy.no offense KristieJCAL) in the next chapter. Of course I would like them to live happily ever after. I'm pretty sure they will. They have to. *goes on and on about Carby* Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Carby4ever --- Of coz I think you should write some ff!!! I'll be the first one to see it. Just tell me when you write one. I'll go immediately k? Thanks for reviewing!!! And why are you asking me for advice? Just wondering coz I don't get asaked for advice very often. Thanks again.  
  
Kla --- Oops. I seem to be disappointing quite a few of you today. Umm. thanks for reviewing all the same!!!  
  
SpookyAnne --- Hola there girl! Oops.. I'm sorry for bringing Brian back and writing this Hollywood film crap. I'm regretting that I brought Brian back too. Hopefully, you'll see some fuzz by the next chapter. CARBY fuzz, the best of all. Ah *drowns in happiness*. Thanks for reviewing!!  
  
DragonEyes --- hello!! Lusan rocks too. though not as much as Carby, but yeah those two have a lot of chemistry too. Too bad TPTB don't realize that. WRITERS!!!!! Anyway, thanks for reviewing!!  
  
10 reviews! Thanks guys!!! And yeah, I do realize that I use an excessive amount of exclamation marks. Hmm. blame it on the drugs! ;-)  
  
Peace out, *~jESS~* 


	6. Recurring Nightmare

A/N: Phew, finally, I updated this story. I'm sorry for the delay but I'm really tied up in work and trainings and stuff. I hope this is good enough for you guys and THANKS A BILLION, Erinn for beta reading for me. Though what I really need right now is a writer to help me out. Whatever. Here's the next chapter after the Hollywood action movie and again, I'm sorry I didn't add much Lusan or fuzz coz I'm better at writing Carby angst. Though stay tuned and I promise I'm gonna give u at least One chapter of fuzz and Lusan, of course. Enough with my crap talk.

Disclaimer: I don't own ANYONE in ER. (One day, I'm gonna create some characters and make everyone write this phrase when I can write 'Hah. I OWN them.')

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Abby

        She threw the cigarette onto the snow and stomped on it. She promised herself that she would quit and she would, soon, just… give it time. Carter's number was shown clearly on the screen of her cell phone, she knew she could just press dial and hold the phone to her ears and that would be it. But she couldn't. Instead, she deleted the number and got up on her feet. She needed some Time to think. 

        The green screen of the phone glowed at her, taunted her. The light shone eerily in the semi-darkness of the alley that had entered, casting a halo of light over her face. She found herself staring distractedly back into the screen, too agitated to care what she was doing. She was full of unanswered questions. Her heart pounded in her chest, each throb of it causing her to want to throw up. Her throat felt tight, tears threatened to spill from her eyes. Her head spun and her knees felt weak. Fear was gradually overtaking her body as she slowly realized how perilous Brian was, how easily he close he had been. He was a hazard to her life, and to the life of her unborn child 

        "Where is he?" She found herself wondering aloud, more out of dread than of curiousness of Brian's whereabouts. She would have liked to hope that he was gone forever from her life, but she wouldn't allow herself to be stupid enough to believe that. He couldn't just… go away when he tried to kill her, he had been in her apartment, he had seen her, called her name. He must be lurking somewhere in the vicinity, and Abby knew her life is in danger until he was safely restrained. However, she was emotionally exhausted and battered; the only thing she wanted was to get as far away from him as possible. It was then that it became clear to her that she must talk to Carter. There were a million problems between them, but now it was clear to her that they must get through them, together. This brief encounter with death, had convinced her: that she couldn't lose loose Carter, no matter what he did. She hated herself for loving him, but emotions like these, she realized, are uncontrollable, and decisive. Either you do, or you don't.

        She was going to call him. 

  
She punched in the first number, her heart gradually calming down and returning to its usual state.

        The way she felt around Carter… Each hug, each kiss made up for all the parental love she missed as a child. It was good to know that somebody actually cared about her. She closed her eyes, flashbacks overwhelming her mind. She saw herself as a little girl, clutching her mom's dress desperately, screaming for her to stay. She saw Eric crouching in a corner, his eyes wide with fear. She saw herself as a teenager, turning down dates, not wanting a person to like her... At that age, she was already afraid of being hurt by someone she liked.

        She opened her eyes and punched in the second number, her fingers already numb from the cold. If she kept going at this rate, it would be sunset before she actually phoned him. Abby took a deep breath and pressed three numbers. 5 down, 2 to go.

The throb in her head had also settled into a rhythm, slowly spinning out a unique melody of its own. Car-ter Car-ter Car-ter. Yes, she was that pathetic. Even her headache reminded her of him. She had to admit she missed him. She had believed, when they first started dating, that Carter was the one. It was a gut feeling, that kind that almost couldn't be wrong, but now, it looks like it is beating the odds. She had battled with this relationship, and its not going anywhere. Maybe other people in this situation would have already given up, but Abby wasn't a quitter. 

        She pressed one more button. There, one more to go. 

         What would she say? Maybe nothing. Maybe she could just stay quiet and listen to the way he'd say 'hello'. She pictured him frowning at the phone, his eyebrows knitting together, causing waves of lines to form on his forehead. She pictured him saying 'hello' again, this time obviously concerned, no matter who the person was. Then he would sigh and the dial tone would ring in her ear as he disconnected the phone. She knew exactly what would happen, but that didn't make it any easier for her to phone him. She knew too well that she had to say something. She couldn't ignore him, no matter what he did. He meant a lot to her, even though she may mean nothing to him. 

        Her finger hovered over the last number. Hesitantly, she pressed it, hard. She had done it, she punched in his number. Her finger moved up to the 'dial' button.

        Could she bear to listen to his voice again? After all he betrayed her… her heart missed a beat, and suddenly, an ache grew in her chest and spread to everywhere in her body... He had cheated on her. Anger, mixed with disappointment, flooded through her. Carter was the last person she'd think of cheating on her. Carter was the only person she trusted since Richard. Or Carter was the person she had ever trusted at all. Period. 

        Maybe it was her fault. Maybe she wasn't giving him what he needed; maybe that's why he had gone to another woman. Maybe she was the one to blame. After all, she was the one who had been so naïve to think that this relationship would last forever. "Things happen," She recalled Stan saying. "Things always happen…" But what exactly had happened? She racked her brain for an answer, but nothing came to her. "Things…" she needed to find the answer, she needed to seek the whole thing out. 

        Without thinking, her finger went downwards and she brought the phone up to her ear.   

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Brian.

        He came in a fraction of a second too late. As if that wasn't cruel enough, he watched as her slender form jumped out of the window, just centimeters away from his hand. He could have caught her, tied her up, and then killed her. It could all be so easy. All because he was careless and sloppy, he was running into the risk of being hunted down by the cops. He was positive that she would notify the cops. Maybe it would be best if he just disappear now. Get out of her life. Or maybe… was it possible? Can he run after Abby and kill her before she did anything? He leaned out of the window and surveyed the surroundings. No, it wouldn't work. There's no way he could commit a silent and 'invisible' murder with all those people out on the streets hurrying to work. 

        His gaze followed Abby's form. He stared in glee as that stupid woman walked into the alley behind the apartment building. Stupid, stupid, stupid… apparently, she fell asleep during the high school lectures on 'don't go into small, dark, narrow alleys alone because you never know who's there behind the crates'. He could kill her in that alley. No one will even notice. Hell, who would take the time and go into a dark alley when there's a chance that you'll be sacked by your boss for running late? The more he thought about it, the more the idea appealed to him, he would killer her, in the alley, and no one would hear her cries for help, until it was too late. 

        He rushed out of Abby's apartment and down the stairs. He knew that he probably should clean the apartment and wipe away his fingerprints, but she had already taken a nice long look at him and would have recognized him anyways, so he just didn't bother. Maybe after he finished her off. His schedule was tight at the moment. 

        He came up to the entrance of the alley, immediately spotting her, her brownish blonde hair sparkling in the patch of light that somehow shone into the alley. He couldn't see her face, or her front, but he had seen her enough times to know exactly how she looked. Those intense brown eyes, the all-too-nosy nose, the cute little mouth of hers that she wore in a frown and those little lines that she had next to her lips, giving her a weary look…all the same, he had to admit that she was pretty, but a pretty facet wasn't to deter him from killing her. She owed him too much.

        He strode silently towards her, controlling himself not to call out to her until the right time. Don't wanna spoil the fun. She hadn't noticed him, probably too caught up in the previous melodrama to pay attention to anything. Or maybe… she was thinking of her husband… John Carter is it? He saw their wedding photo on the counter in the apartment. John Carter was going to be grieving for his loss later. The thought somehow struck him as funny and he tried not to laugh. Oh no… he couldn't laugh, he must surprise Abby. 

        He was close enough to her to hear her mumbling. "John…?" .Really, how vain can this woman be? He had effortlessly read her mind! She was probably missing her hubby. Good grief. Enough of this crap. He's going to kill her now; she would have plenty of time to think of John Carter in heaven.

        He pulled the knife that he grabbed from the floor out of his coat pocket. He wished that he had brought a gun. That would make things easier…. however the knife was sharp enough to be lethal. He ginned as he realized that being stabbed to death was decidedly more painful that being shot. Good, let her suffer. 

        He raised the knife into the air, thinking of nothing killing her. The only option left for him, if he wanted to win, he must. He must win. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

        Carter.

        He stared ahead, watching as the soft breeze grazed across the water, causing ripples to form. A crowd of birds flew in the sky, spreading their wings and flying up high. Carter suddenly wished to be one of them, to be able to fly away from his troubles and not care about anything but being a bird. No matter how hard he tried not to think of it, it was impossible not to. It was as if God's punishment to him for doing such a thing was to let his mind torture him every hour of the day. Every few seconds, his subconscious mind would say to him: "You screwed up man, you cheated on her." As if he didn't already know; as if he didn't feel sorry and regretful. As if he didn't want to kill himself for doing that. 

        "Carter." He jumped slightly, startled by the voice. The voice sounded feminine, could it be her? Was it even possible?

        He turned around and found himself staring at a pretty, petite blonde. It was really her. "Ab…" He began. 

        "No, Carter…" She sighed, exasperated, "Susan. You should really get some sleep." The beautiful, brown haired woman faded into his sweet, blond friend. He couldn't believe he had just conjured Abby up from nowhere. But she had looked so real, that for that short moment, Carter really believed that it was Abby standing there. He missed her terribly. He wished everything was the way it used to be. He would give everything to have her in his arms again.

        "Susan." He greeted her flatly, disappointment intact in his voice. He didn't bother to mask his distress, even if he did bother to, he doubted that he could. 

        "Hell of a greeting." She took a seat at the bench next to him, clearly not planning to leave soon. As much as he loved Susan as his friend, there were times that he hoped she would get off his case. And now was one of those times. "So, did you talk to her?"

        He turned to her angrily, "Do you think that she would after what you told her?" 

        She backed off a little, shocked at his tone of voice. Her eyes turned a troubled green, crowding over with sadness and hurt. She gazed at her hands, focusing on avoiding his accusing eyes. "I'm sorry." She finally said, still staring at her fingers.

        He turned away from her and took a deep breath. He shouldn't get mad at Susan. She hadn't done anything wrong. "Forget it." He muttered.

        A heavy silence settled between them, and he felt very uncomfortable. The awkwardness became too much to bear. He hated it when Susan doesn't speak. 

        Even though he couldn't see her, he could feel her eyes on him. "Carter…" she started, "Abby… She isn't mad at you…" 

        He laughed bitterly. "You didn't see her." He turned to her. "She's mad. She has all the reasons in the world to be mad. I don't deserve her, Susan; I am the one who screwed up." He looked away from Susan and closed his eyes, careful not to let the tears spill. 

        "Carter, listen to me, she isn't mad at you. I think she's just confused." 

        He didn't reply. He saw no point in doing so. He knew Susan well enough to know that she wouldn't back down on her theories. 

        "I think you guys really need to talk things over." She continued. "Carter?" 

        He took a deep breath, and tried to control his voice. "Yeah." He said shakily. 

        "Call her." In one swift motion, she leaned over to him, pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, punched in Abby's number and handed it back to him. He gazed at her in disbelief and astonishment. All these years as friends, she never failed to amaze him. Any guy would be lucky to have her. 

        She stared at him squarely in the eye, his gaze studious and unwavering. "Call her." She repeated. It was hard not to obey her. As if hypnotized by her eyes, he reached out for the phone. It rang. He jumped. 

        He was dazed by the ringing of his phone, its tune harsh and ugly in his ears. He made up his mind to change that ring tone once he has the time. Who could be calling? He looked over at Susan and she half shrugged, half shook her head at him. "Answer it." She said simply.

        "Hello?" He said into the phone, his voice coming out a little harsher than he'd prefer. 

        There was a moment of silence then a word was said, barely audible. It could easily be the breeze, or his subconscious mind playing tricks on him again. "John…" But there was no mistaking that voice, he knew who it was. Hell, he'd recognized it anywhere, anytime. It was her. It was Abby. 

        "Abby?" He asked haltingly, just to make sure. He knew it was her. It had to be. Abby, please, talk to me, he silently pleaded. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Susan sit straighter, straining her back and taking an immediate interest to the conversation. "Abby?" He repeated.

        Abby didn't say anything, but she didn't hang up on him either. He could still hear her breathing over the phone. He couldn't help but feel a little sparkle of hope in his heart. Maybe she would listen to him. Finally, she could hear him out. He was somewhat relieved by that thought, but only for a split second. It was his next thought that scared him to death. But sometimes hope can be cruel. He didn't want to loose her again. 

        "Abby?" He said urgently into the phone, "Abby?" He panicked. He couldn't hear anything over the other side, except for a muffled noise, as if someone had clamped a hand over the mouthpiece, blockading out the sound. Susan was looking curiously, obviously wondering why he was repeating Abby's name over and over again. 

         He didn't know what to do. Should he hang up and let Abby call him back? Maybe there was something wrong with the network today; maybe he should just hang up. But he couldn't, he didn't want to give up on his last hope. "Abby?" He tried again, with no success. 

Carter held the phone close to his ear, his grip so hard that it seemed possible that he might break the phone. "Abby? Is that you?" He asked again, getting horridly anxious by now, and horrendous thoughts were crossing his mind. 

        "John Carter." A voice that he didn't know spat into the phone, loud enough to turn him deaf. It was a male voice. 

        "Who's this?" He asked, confused. His ear rang. 

        "I believe we had never met but I think you know me through Abby." 

        "Who is this?" Carter furrowed his brows. What is this man doing with Abby? "What are you doing to her?" 

        "You won't know." The man laughed, sounding like those wicked bastard laughter from the TV shows. Whatever he was there for, it wasn't good. 

        "Where's Abby?" 

        "She's fine." He paused, and then continued, his voice dripping with venom. "For now." 

        Carter's heart literally jumped out of his chest. Abby. She is in danger. Where is she? "Get Abby on the phone." His voice was unbelievably calm. 

        "Dream on, Doctor Carter." He thought he heard Abby in the background. She was getting louder, sounding as if she's squirming and struggling to get free from whatever is holding her. "Abby!" He screamed into the phone, attracting several pedestrians' stony glares. He didn't care. "Abby!" Susan got up from her seat to stand next to him. Her questioning eyes made him impossible to think clear. 

        "Let go of me, Brain." he heard her cursing in the background. Brian. That name sounded somewhat familiar. "Carter!" She shouted to him, "Cart…" her voice was cut short by a hand clamped over her mouth. 

        "Say goodbye to your princess, Doctor." Brian whispered into the phone.

        "Abby! Brian, you son of a bitch, let her go. Abby!" 

        "You've had your chance to say goodbye. You just blew it away." Brain laughed. "Goodbye forever, my dear friend." 

        Then there was nothing but the dial tone.

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 So that's the sixth chapter… As usual, please R and R. Tell me it rocked, sucked, or offer suggestions. NO flames. I hate flames. They really suck. But then, so far no one flamed me except maggiemay who ALWAYS flames carby fics so I don't' really care about her flames. Thanks for the reviews everyone!

To camilacarby: Thanks. I hate carby angst too but I still write it. Heh. 

CARBYfan: Here's your answer about those Brian questions, thanks for pointing out the confusing parts. I think up till now, Abby and the baby both are still okay. Thanks for reviewing!

Kla: lol. Haha. Yeah, I'm never good at action writing. Thanks for reviewing. 

Xanaimb: Thanks. I'm glad that Abby got away from him too… though looks like he hot her all the same. Thanks for reviewing. 

SpookyAnne: Ooh. I'm sorry about your friend and of course you can borrow Brian *hands him over to you* just make sure you return him so that I can continue my story. Sorry for not writing fuzz but I'm going to. Originally I planned to write some fuzz as a flashback here but I didn't have time so… maybe I should add it in the next chapter? Thanks for reviewing. 

carbyfan: Whoops. I didn't write any lusan here. Okay, I'll try to add it in sometime in the next few chapters. Thanks for your review. 

Becky: I know you reviewed in my other fic and since I won't be updating that one anymore, I'm gonna reply here. You wrote another chapter? Where? In 'Losing grip'? Omigod. Where??? I need to see it *searches* Yeah, I know ff.net is SUCH a pain in the ass lately. What is wrong with it? Feel free to email me anytime… I usually reply my emails like, the day after you send it to me but sometimes I don't' check my mail box for days. Hehe. Bad little me. Anyway, c ya and I'll look for your new chapter. Thanks for reviewing. 

Until I post again,

Peace out~*

Jess. 


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